Accepting your problems is one thing. To enjoy them? Well, that’s pretty much enlightenment.
Chelsea Harvey Garner in Psyche: As a therapist, I’ve found that so much of what I do is about giving people the space to say what they’re struggling with. It can take them months. Not to resolve the problems, or even to understand them in a deep, philosophical sense, but literally just to realise what their problems are. This is especially true for people with complicated conundrums, stressors that are difficult to explain. There’s a special loneliness reserved for people in this situation – who are facing problems that seem weird and who worry that, if they let themselves admit how bad things are and how bad they feel, they’ll realise they’re too messed up to recover. If you recognise this description, I know how you’re feeling. I’ve experienced these fears too…
If you can learn to enjoy your problems, that’s enlightenment
In many mindfulness communities, Buddhist equanimity is interpreted as a sort of neutrality, a lack of preference about what happens to us: ‘I could get the job, or not. I could become wealthy, or I could remain poor. Either will provide opportunities for enlightenment.’ That kind of thing. Often, though, this receptivity gets mistaken for apathy, which can make us think that being numbed out and aloof is the ideal. But in fact, the Buddha described equanimity a bit differently, as a state of being that is ‘abundant, exalted, immeasurable’. These words imply a more active, engaged way of being in the world, rather than simply not caring. But how does one manage to embrace their fate – with all its inherent problems – surreal as they may be? As a therapist, I’ve studied what scientists have to say about healing but, more than anything, I’ve learned the hard way: by wading through my own mess…
Don’t judge yourself
Do you know why they say the grass is always greener on the other side? Because it’s hard to see grass that far away. It isn’t actually greener, it just looks like it because you’re not close enough to see the dead patches and the dog poop. Not only that, but you don’t have to mow that grass. Our own situation always feels worse to us because we’re the ones who have to deal with it. Everyone, without exception, gets sick of their own problems. And yes, everyone has problems. As a therapist, I’m privy to many people’s truth. My sample may be skewed, but it would shock you to hear the struggles of folks who seem to have it together. Their stress is either just like yours or weird in a different way. That’s because suffering is a universal experience. It isn’t a sign of failure. It’s not proof that divine forces are punishing us. Life is just hard, and often unfair. It’s also beautiful, and it becomes even more beautiful when we stop pretending it should be easy…
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