Now we are on the ferry we flew to drive to,
It’s enormous engines vibrating
Every molecule, spreading out,
A family of ducks getting out of the way.
My wife claims there are fish jumping,
But every time I look up
They are gone, or she is lying.
I have become suspicious of my pursuit
Of remoteness, of seeking out places far away
And difficult to get to,
Places with fewer people, more trees.
I am suspicious
Because I know it’s at least somewhat
Insincere, that I very deeply need other people
Around me to feel safe, to feel important,
That part of my departure is the performance
Of departure, the making of the image of one.
This departure is certainly
Not about being alone.
My wife and I are here as a way of being
Even more together than we normally are,
Or maybe being together
In a way that we used to be all the time
Before our daughter was born.
Her birth made us closer, for sure,
It made our little story seem
Impossibly big and important,
Like we were conducting the soundtrack
To our daughter’s grand entrance
To being with other people, to being with herself.
But it also made certain parts of ourselves
And each other seem far away,
Like one of those distant places
I am always interested in going.
I tell my wife that, of all the places
On the planet, the place I want most to be
Is the North Pole, that I feel the Arctic calling me
As if from inside of a dream.
A smaller boat passes by and I’m surprised
When we are unmoved
By its little wake, that the waves,
Regardless of their size,
Should rock us, however gently.
But now we are on this gigantic boat
Looking for those people we used to be,
Trying to remember them without erasing
Each other, without erasing
The people that they have become
And all the ways they are growing still.
We also came here looking for whales,
I should add, that we bought tickets from people
Who promised we would see them.
And now that we are out here looking
For ourselves among them,
I have no idea why. Or, maybe,
I’m worried what might happen if they see me.
by Eric Kocher
—from Sky Mall
2024 Rattle Chapbook Prize Winner
