THE ONION — Declaring that he was looking forward to showing the influential global entity around the country, President Donald Trump held a diplomatic ceremony Wednesday to formally welcome the coronavirus to the United States. “This is a historic day for America, and I hope that the coronavirus will appreciate our efforts to give it a warm reception and work with us to build a thriving, mutually beneficial relationship,” said the president, announcing that Covid-19 would join him on the White House South Lawn for the presentation of an American flag accompanied by a military brass band, before a meeting with high-ranking administration officials and leaders from the business community in the Oval Office. “We have a full itinerary planned over the next few days in which will tour a variety of Washington cultural sites, newly built manufacturing facilities, and even the state-of-the-art Johns Hopkins Hospital, so the coronavirus can observe firsthand the best of American pride and ingenuity. We are excited to develop a stronger bond with such an influential force in the international community, and we hope that a strong partnership with the coronavirus could lead to further diplomatic relations with H1N1, SARS, and other prominent global viruses.”
At press time, a Trump administration spokesperson announced a change to the diplomatic itinerary after the coronavirus had expressed an interest in touring the CDC director’s lungs.
The Onion is an American satirical digital media company and newspaper organization that publishes articles on international, national, and local news. The company is based in Chicago but originated as a weekly print publication on August 29, 1988 in Madison, Wisconsin.